It’s been four months since I had my pulmonary embolism (also known as that time some butthole blood clots tried to kill me). If you were to look at me today, you will see a small scar on my face from when I hit the floor of the gym and possibly a glimpse of the nude compression sleeve on my right leg. But other than that, you will see a healthy woman who is running, jumping, lifting weights, going to work, etc, all while seemingly breathing and acting normally.
What you won’t see is the battle that is constantly raging in my mind.
This ongoing battle looks a little like this: What is that odd feeling in my leg? Does it feel like before? How is my breath? Have the blood clots grown? I just went up stairs – am I breathing normally or is this like it was before? What is going on with my heart? Should I get it checked out? I’m stuck in this all day meeting, am I going to get new clots from this? Did I not move my leg enough? What’s that pain? Am I sitting too long binge watching Outlander? (Probably)
It’s essentially this persistent state of anxiety and questions and it’s driving me crazy.
Last month, I had another scan on my leg and I still have a clot in my calf. The good news is that two of the other clots previously in my leg are now gone so we are heading in the right direction. But of course my mind goes right to, ‘I cannot feel this clot but yet it’s there. What if there are others lingering that we don’t know about?’
Then for the past week I have been experiencing some chest pains and difficulty taking a deep breath. I went to the doctor and then to the ER so that they could run a multitude of tests. Luckily, everything looks okay and that it just appears to be a lingering side effect from the incident in April. Apparently people who experience massive pulmonary embolisms like I did are much more likely to have reoccurring issues during recovery. Yayyyyyyyy.
I hope I will get to a place where this is not constantly on my mind and where I don’t live in a steady state of fear that this will happen again. When that day comes, it will be like a breath of fresh air.